Fighting for custody

By Prioleau Alexander

My buddy Ryan Mckaig recently noted, “America is now an ugly custody battle between two abusive parents.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything so sublime in my life.

The problem crushing America today is that Americans confuse their ideals with the people they elect to fight for them. This statement isn’t 100 percent true of everyone in Swamp politics, but it’s close: By virtue of the fact you are willing to run, you are de facto unfit to serve.

In his brilliant opus The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams weaves into his novel the character Zaphod Beeblebrox, the president of the universe. How he became president is actually quite logical: After thousands of years of the public electing incompetent men devoid of morals, logic, empathy and common sense, the election committee decided to save the money associated with an election and instead searched the universe for the absolute worst man for the job. Zaphod met the criteria in spades, so they simply appointed him.

We could certainly do that here in America. Our last president was crass, egotistical, vindictive and sexist. Our current president was a hot-tempered, lazy, good-for-nothing bureaucrat for 40 years. Note: I use past tense because he’s none of those things now … he’s a poor old man with dementia being subjected to elder abuse.

If you’ve ever read my column before, you know I support the Orange Man, because his policies were successful — and he actually did what he said he was going to do. I hired him to do a job based a specific set of promises, and he delivered on them. The fact that he lost the election after literally bringing the American economy back to life speaks to how grating his personality is.

Why must we elect these people year after year?

Bill Clinton was a known draft dodger who “abhorred” the military, a womanizer and an accused rapist — long before he abused a starry-eyed intern. To top off his legacy, he brought into the public eye the most irritating elitist to ever wear a pantsuit.

George W. Bush, the “decider,” was vapid enough to literally “start a land war in Asia,” in a country known as “the graveyard of empires.”

Barack Hussein Obama was described by Joe Biden as “articulate, bright and clean.” He was, of course, all these things — which half the country forgot about when it became clear he hated American values and felt we should atone for our past sins by doing things like bowing to a “king” who murders gays, views women as property and funds things like the 9/11 attack.

Then we had the bad Orange Man … and that brings us up to a president who literally cannot answer an unscripted question.

No wonder Americans are at a boiling point: Our despicable “parents” are using us to get back at each other. These paraquats are more than willing to cause us to suffer so they can enjoy the momentary joy of stabbing each other in the back.

Seriously — Nancy Pelosi? Lindsey Graham? Chuck Schumer, Mitt Romney? AOC? These are the best we can do? Does Nancy Pelosi think chewing on her dentures inspires confidence? Does Lindsey Graham think flying to Arizona to hold John McCain’s hand on election night makes his constituents — who voted for him that same day — feel important?

Why do these people run the free world?

Because they can. Why can they? Because we the people are children, trying to choose which parent to live with based on the frequency of beatings.

“Here, you little punk. Here’s a cookie. Now shut up.”

“Oh, Daddy, you’re the best! A cookie instead of a cigarette burn! I wanna live with yoooou!”

Then there are the two most terrifying words in our nation right now, other than “President Harris,” which are “name recognition.” There are tens of millions of Americans who cast their vote because “I’ve heard of them.” Seriously?

“Here ya’ go, you little cretin. Pop Tarts. Now shut up.”

“Oh, Mommy, you’re the best! I’ve heard of that brand — that must mean they’re the best! I wanna live with yoooou!

When the Founding Fathers established who could vote, they limited it to white, land-owning men. Not exactly woke by today’s standards, but the point was this: Educated, informed, tax-paying citizens should choose our nation’s leaders.

Now? We’re fighting over whether a person should merely prove who they are to vote. How about we institute at least a few restrictions? You have to be able to name the three branches of the government. You cannot be claimed as dependent on someone else’s tax returns for one year. You must be able to name one Supreme Court justice. You must pay taxes, thus eliminating the no-skin-in-the-game vote-for-free-stuff voter.

Poll tax! Racist! Jim Crow!

If you’ll settle down and actually think for a second, this would clearly eliminate ten whites for every black. After all, blacks make up only 13 percent of the population, and stupidity is shared equally among every race. Based on my per capita idea, I should be considered the most progressive person in America.

But I’m not — because the abusive parents want us to suffer and choose sides. The mouthpieces on the left scream, “Voter ID is racist!” What they don’t say is “Voter ID is unfair, because there are people in Montana who have to drive four hours to get an ID!”

The mouthpieces on the right scream, “We’re spending too much money! We’ve got to think about the future!” You betcha — but their future extends only to Mr. Fiscal’s retirement date. After that, they can go on TV and talk about the collapse of America being orchestrated by the current Congress.

Elected Republicans love Planned Parenthood — it keeps money pouring in the door. Elected Democrats love the NRA — it keeps money pouring in the door. Elected Democrats love blacks living in squalor — they get to point at them and proclaim, “We’re going to help them!” Elected Republicans love illegals pouring across the border — they get to point at them and say, “We’re going to stop them!”

Uh, okay … why aren’t there less blacks living in poverty? Why weren’t the illegals pouring across the border stopped 30 years ago?

Because both sides want chaos. They want fear. They want us to beg them for protection. That way they don’t actually have to do anything or know anything. They give us five-second soundbites.

Elected officials love to call themselves “public servants” and claim they will “fight” for us once they are elected. You want to see real public servants? Go to Arlington National Cemetery. Wave to your garbage man. Volunteer at a soup kitchen and look around.

And fight? Getting pie-eyed at the Capitol Hill Club and horse-trading pork with money you plan to print isn’t fighting. Want to see fighting? Go to a small town in the Midwest and watch people trying to make a living after the John Deere plant moves to Mexico. Go to Section 8 housing and talk to the mom of two who’s working two jobs. Go see the corporal at Fort Bragg who’s married with two kids and needing food stamps feed his family.

The Founding Fathers didn’t include term limits because it was unthinkable that educated people would make a career of it. Back then it was actual public service — men went to Washington when their communities insisted and left as soon as it was someone else’s turn. They had actual lives to live.

We’re being played.