South Carolina’s beaches are closed. But except for wandering around lost in the Francis Marion Forest, could there be a place more appropriate for social distancing than the beach?
No, but we… “disappointed” our Supreme Comrade in Columbia, and his executive Tweet informing citizens that the actions of a few have resulted in collective punishment reads like something out of a Leave it to Beaver television episode:
June Cleaver: Beaver? As a result of behavior observed this past weekend by Eddie Haskell’s mom, it has become necessary to close public access to our state’s beaches. This is unfortunate for Wally and Lumpy, because they chose to responsibly follow the instructions of us adults, but misbehaving can hurt you and others.
Beaver: Aw, gee, Mom… do you have to punish everyone? Now, everyone’s gonna give me the business.
Ward Cleaver: Son, we warned you. You make up a full .0001 percent of the population and you broke the rules. How can we trust the other 99.999 percent of people?
During our overlords’ declaration of “home or work,” strange things are afoot. We can go into an enclosed store to purchase guns and ammo, but the public rifle and pistol ranges are closed. Hmm … if there’s one place where social distancing can be enforced, it’s at a gun range. We can also wander into one of the hundreds of enclosed places selling wine, cheese and French bread … gather our desired items, given them to the cashier, take them back and bag them, then handled the change given in dollar bills and coins … but when we leave, there’s no open air park available for us to picnic.
From China, with Love
To keep us safe, the brain trust in Columbia has shuttered virtually every store not selling food, booze, guns, or home improvement materials. (Handymen, enjoy! Gardeners, tough tulips!) This is an excellent plan, because it prevents someone from going to the store and getting Covid-19.
The alternate plan is foolproof. We can order our goods and services online, which:
Come from an unknown origin.
Are plucked from a petri dish (a.k.a. a warehouse), where they’re handled and packed by someone who couldn’t possibly have Covid-19.
Loaded on a plane by someone who couldn’t possibly have Covid-19.
Unloaded from the plane by someone who couldn’t possibly have Covid-19.
Sorted in another petri dish (a.k.a. a warehouse) by someone who couldn’t possibly have Covid-19.
Packed onto a truck by someone who couldn’t possibly have Covid-19.
Delivered to your door by someone who couldn’t possibly have Covid-19.
Then opened by you, with there being no chance you’ll forget Covid-19 can live on cardboard for days.
Equal opportunity … torture?
Governor Foghorn Leghorn may be accused of many things, but … I say, boy … not sexism: He is indeed committed to torturing men and women equally. To torture his male constituents, he closed bars, bowling alleys, racetracks, spectator sports, tattoo studios, barbershops and social clubs. For ladies, no more spas, fitness centers, hair/nail/waxing salons, theatres and performing arts venues.
That’s not enough, however, for the masochist-in-chief — because he wants men and women unkempt, grumpy, bored and … locked in their homes with their rug rats! Why else would he close parks, playgrounds and area attractions?
I can almost hear the conversation between him and his political strategists at re-election time:
Governor: Listen! We gotta play to my base! The voters who appreciated my orders and decisions and felt safe and cared for because of the shut down!
Strategist: Well, there are a lot of them, Guv… but unfortunately, dogs can’t vote.
Thanks for enjoying the best medicine — to laugh; to see our serious ideas for how we might open up our boat ramps and parks, please read here.
[Note - on April 16, Governor McMaster amended his executive order to allow for the reopening of public boat ramps. We are pleased to have "started the ball rolling" on the issue. - ed]