Big field winnowed, Prioleau not buffaloed, one lucky Dem endorsed … ship of state still well off course
It’s 2020 and that means only one thing to a political scholar like me — it’s an election year.
President Trump will, of course, soon be removed from office for obstruction of just … wait, what? The obstruction of justice thing is gone now? Now it’s obstruction of Congress? For subpoenas? Okay, whatever — the reality is President Trump has hurt a lot of feelings and everyone knows that “sticks and stones may break our bones, but it’s words that actually hurt us.”
Thus, he’s got to go. And not just for melting snowflakes — he broke a campaign promise to me when he said, “We’re going to win so much, you’re going to get tired of winning.”
Well, I’m not tired of winning; no, I’m kind of addicted to it. Anyone who (still) understands English knows this is a broken promise and makes him a liar, liar, whose pants are on fire.
As a result of these undisputed facts, it’s time for me to switch my allegiance to the People’s Party of Democratic Fairness, because with Trump removed they’re going to win the White House. And like I said, I’m still big on winning.
Choosing the man, no … woman, no … carbon-based lifeform to support in 2020 is difficult, because they stand unified on so many good issues — most of which revolve around giving me free stuff. Yes, it’s a mathematical certainty the freebies will financially collapse the Republic, but that’s your problem. My finances collapsed a decade ago, so what’s the difference to me?
Yeah, yeah — I know… we’ll end up with a totalitarian regime. Well, I kind of like the idea of Big Brother, no ... Big Sister, no … Big Carbon-based Lifeform running my life. With the need to make decisions eliminated, I can end my 35-year streak of bad decisions.
So, who will it be? Let’s take a look.
Hillary Clinton: If you don’t think Hillary is going to throw her pantsuit into the ring, it’s time for you to sign up for this cool new thing called the Internet. While you’re at it, strap on your noise-cancelling earphones, because the hacking cough, shrill voice and forced laughter are coming to an eardrum near you.
Bernie Sanders: Within days of Hillary launching her “listening tour,” to “hear what the voters are thinking,” Bernie keeled over with a heart attack. I don’t know about you, but if Bernie hasn’t put two-and-two together after that “coincidence,” he’s too stupid to be president. Strike the tent, Bernie, before you catch a far more serious case of “Arkansas flu.”
Elizabeth Warren: I’m all in with the mounds of wampum Pocahontas wants to give to me and I like her stance on legalizing reefer, which will enable me to buy a peace pipe and remain stoned for the years she’s in office. I also like her stance on Medicare for all, because I might well need it when she sends me a smallpox blanket for having voted for the Trumpster in 2016.
My only real reservation is the rumor circulating that she engaged in a steamy affair with a former Marine she contacted through the gigolo website Cowboys4Angels.com. (Doubt me not, skeptics — Google it and see it dismissed by most.) To subject an honorably-discharged veteran to that — knowing full well he’ll be in PTSD rehab for the rest of his life — is clearly a misuse of big medicine, but it looks like this is a forked tongue tale.
So, she may not be at my teepee-teepee top choice, but who knows — during my indoctrination into the Left I may become a full-blooded social justice warrior, don some buckskins and fall in love with ol’ Dances With Donors herself.
Pete Boot-edge-edge: Don’t think he has much of a chance. First, his only experience is being mayor of South Bend, the home of Notre Dame and who doesn’t hate Notre Dame? Also, within his platform is one of those “every youngster should serve the nation” proclamations, which will result in a total boycott by the Millennials. A Millennial’s only understanding of “service” is when their mom walks down to the basement to serve them a warm glass of milk, a grilled cheese sammich and a nice, hot bowl of Chicken & Stars.
Finally, I’m concerned for his safety. Why? Hillary’s understanding of modern culture is about the same as my grandmother and she died 30 years ago. Pete is an openly gay man and while Hillary has heard about this LGBT thing, she doesn’t understand the nuances. In her raging ignorance, she might fear Pete could, while in the White House, stop identifying as a “G” and become a “T,” thus transitioning into the first female president … and that cannot happen.
Anyway, Pete’s either a losing candidate or a dead man walking — and voting for him will not result in me winning.
Cory Booker: Spartacus has several things going for him, not the least of which is the fact he’s from New Jersey — and it’s a long-established fact that every successful politician from New Jersey has whacked a few opponents. And not just hired a hitman, but handled it personally.
This might well put him in a unique position in his run against Hillary, as Hillary’s “problem solving system” involves hiring a hitman, logistics, bribery and keeping a straight face when the investigation rules the victim shot himself two times in the back of the head. Spartacus, on the other hand, might well take care of business backstage at a debate and simply karate chop Hillary in the throat. Everyone, of course, would think she passed of a coughing fit. If this happens, Spartacus is a solid contender.
Joe Biden: In recent years, it has become fashionable for the GOP to run the “it’s my turn” candidate. This led to honorable-but-dull Bob Dole running against Slick Willie and John McCain then Mitt Romney running against Barack Obama (peace be upon his name). The GOP candidates had about as much of a chance in the debates as an ISIS terrorist hiding behind a six-foot ball of cotton candy when an A-10 Warthog commences its strafing run.
But now comes the Democrats’ “my turn” candidate — Sleepy, Creepy, Uncle Joe. My support of Joe is based largely on his willingness to engage in open, flagrant corruption to stuff the wallet of his adulterous, felonious, drug-addict son. If Joe’s willing to sell out his country for the benefit of a coke-snorting dirtbag who got booted out of the Navy in disgrace, just think what he might do for those of us who served in the military without humiliating our family name.
Sadly, Joe is both old and running against Hillary and Spartacus. Lotta ways for an old dude to get dead, so I’m not getting too attached to him.
Kamala Harris: I’m so bummed Kamala dropped out of the race, because I like the fact she’s a woman willing to do whatever it takes to succeed. You think it was easy to become California’s Top Cop? No. Imagine the commitment to law and order it takes for a 29-year-old to serve as a paramour to 60-year-old prune Willie Brown, who — in unrelated news — was the speaker of the California General Assembly. That took grit, courage and real commitment to the cause #PromoteMeToo.
Once she became attorney general of California, she frequently bragged about her mission of mercy (lessness) to put as many men in the Big House as possible. Nowadays, Democrats don’t want felons to go to prison. They don’t even want them to be called felons — the new description is “justice involved” individuals. Not sure which straw broke the Kamala’s back, but in 2020 she ain’t gonna be an “Oval Office involved” individual.
Andrew Yang: Andrew Yang isn’t pussyfooting around with socialism … his platform is to pay me $1,000 a month, no matter how useless I am. He wants that jack to go to me and every single citizen above the age of 18.
I dug down into the mathematics behind his brilliant plan and ferreted out the details, which are: “Robots, boo! VAT tax, yea!” If you are unaware of a VAT tax, it is a truly magical thing — overnight it can make the $1.49 candy bar disappear, then reappear as a $3.50 candy bar.
Yang predicts that “market pressures” will keep candy bars at $1.49, because Big Chocolate can’t risk people switching to wholesome fruits and grains. Could be, although I’m not sure the CEO of Nestle will be willing to cut net profits by 90 percent just “to be of service” to obese Americans.
Beto O’Rourke: Another dropout! Alas! Robert Francis O’Rourke rides a skateboard, which is considered cool among the under-18 voters. He goes by “Beto” because it’s a Spanish nickname for Robert, which is considered cool among open-borders voters. With the under-18 and the illegal immigrant vote wrapped up, all he would’ve needed was the support of dead voters and he could’a been a contenda’.
Wrap up: The People’s Party of Democratic Fairness offers a deep slate of winners for 2020. I’d bet they don’t even need to impeach Trump, as their platform is so rock solid.
Their bedwetting cries of “Trump is a big meanie” will resound nicely with America’s steel workers, farmers, truck drivers, gun lovers and all those First Amendment radicals. Free health care for folks here illegally will win over families across the fruited plain currently choosing between paying for health insurance and, well, food. Paying for inmates to have sex change operations and allowing abortions after physical birth will be big with the Christians. And to wrap it all up in a bow, the million people a year pouring across the border and bathing in benefits should be a hit with the single moms working two jobs.
Now we come to my endorsement. And as much as I fear Hillary and Spartacus, I’ve got to be realistic and vote the way I think is best. ... for me. If Andrew Yang wants to give me free stuff — and pay me to receive it — I’m in the “Yang Gang.”
Andy … you had me at “free money.”