Chemtrails, autism tales, lizard scales on the Prince of Wales

It’s conspiracies gone off the rails as our very own Prioleau vents spleen against those anti-vaccine … and more

Ah, August… Vaccination Awareness Month.

Vaccines — in the event you are unaware because you were never vaccinated and are dead — have wrestled under control seven coffin-deadly diseases: Smallpox, diphtheria, tetanus, yellow fever, whooping cough, polio and measles.

But, out of nowhere, there has been a growing trend in recent years to eschew vaccines, mostly among parents who shouldn’t have been vaccinated themselves. This is because they believe “vaccines cause autism” and worse. Almost all doctors are unaware of this evil plot, which conspiracy theorists proclaim is good for their health: They say doctors who do become aware and object meet the same fate as the pollster who told Hillary not to worry about the Rust Belt.

The conspiracy theorists don’t stop at vaccines-equal-autism. Other unprovable theories state that vaccines don’t work, aren’t needed, are laced with antifreeze and contain microchips the government uses to track us. These geniuses explain that all that’s needed to prevent these diseases is a better diet … of embalming fluid?

Oh and let’s not forget these proponents insist the flu vaccine stopped the singer Prince from partying like it’s 1999 (or any year for that matter) and the oral polio vaccine created AIDS, which resulted in the same fate as not being vaccinated for polio — so let’s call that one a push.

Humanity’s doom isn’t limited to things we allow the government to inject inside us; there’s a crop-dusting strategy, too: We the people are being poisoned by “chemtrails.”

This theory opines that the contrails behind jets are not, water vapor created when warm exhaust encounters cold temperatures — they are chemicals sprayed by the government to control the weather and reduce the population.

These chemicals also increase violence … incidentally, a belief held by Prince, who apparently believed the chemtrails conspiracy, but not the vaccine one. I’d say he chose wrong, because a grouchy neighbor yelling about your unkempt lawn certainly better than, well, death.

How can all this be going on with no one knowing? After all, it’s not just the tens of thousands of pilots who must remain mum, but the tens of thousands of people who load the poison onto to the plane and hook it up to the nozzle o’ death.

Explaining this is no problem. Hardly an inconvenience. It’s because the world is actually run by shape-shifting reptiles, bent on domination of the human race. Researcher, author and all-around genius David Icke explains that these reptiles are the source of many problems currently plaguing society — which includes vaccines and chemtrails, correct?

The lizards’ goal, of course, is the domination of resources and all aspects of human life, from the physical to the psycho-social. It has been confirmed that 33 of our presidents have been lizards and at least one not-our-president who had a 99 percent chance of winning in 2016. Methinks perhaps the reason she couldn’t come out to give a concession speech wasn’t a hysterical tantrum, but the fact she’d already shape-shifted into her lizard-self and refused to come out from under the warmth of the sunlamp.

You’d be amazed at how many well-known individuals are reptiles. The greatest cluster can be found among the group that writes the DNC platform, but their scales extend into simple celebrities. Justin Bieber is on just about every list, so perhaps there is some truth to this theory.

In response to unhappiness with being governed by geckos, a new conspiratorial status has arisen called “Sovereign Citizens.” The first belief of Sovereign Citizens is that all levels government are illegal and corrupt — so needless to say I tried to sign up. Problematically, however, the Sovereign Citizen lifestyle sounds exhausting.

Their methods for “fighting the man” include a refusal to pay taxes (prison), get a driver’s license (jail), register their vehicles (fine), use zip codes (Return to Sender) (address unknown, no such number, no such home) and refusing to cooperate with judges during their trials, claiming the laws of the land do not apply to them (jail for contempt, plus prison for actual crime).

Quite frankly, I’d rather just pay the taxes and fees than life with a cellmate.

The problem with most conspiracy theories — at least ones not based on magical alien reptiles running the world — is they are based on governmental competence and sealed lips. Yes, the First Marine Division is part of the government and can seal a whole lotta lips, but they can’t do anything to help with a government so incompetent it blows north of $2 billion on a healthcare website.

The mere fact that conspiracy theorists think the government was involved in 9/11 is the de facto reason they are wrong. Think through the thousands of details and tell me which federal agency has the brain power needed to orchestrate such a precise attack, timed perfectly to the minute. Sure, Chick-fil-A could’ve pulled it off without closing for lunch, but the Feds? Please.

How about federal involvement in the assassination of JFK and the subsequent perfectly-timed murder of Oswald by the mob-connected Jack Ruby? By the CIA of the 1960s? Those yo-yos couldn’t pull off a slam dunk like Bay of Pigs, much less a flawless assassination of a president. The Mob? Sure. The Feds? Stop.

On the very outside chance the Deep State can actually orchestrate a successful conspiracy without buggering it up like Comey, Clapper, Brenan and Schiff, I’d like to suggest a few:

Using disguise and stealth, infiltrate the VA Hospital System and “remove” everyone needed to transform it into an operation no longer synonymous with “wanton neglect.”

Be all sneaky and set up a location inside the IRS where you can haul in congressman, put their tax returns on the table and say, “Let’s go through here and figure out how you got stinking rich on a congressman’s salary.” After that herculean task requiring entire hours of your time, please deepthroat the findings up onto the White House website.

Gather a commission of the nation’s leading experts on language analysis and confirm the meaning of the tricky word “non-essential.” Form another commission to comb through the rolls of the last government shutdown and hone in on employees sent home for being “non-essential.” Once that list is developed, fire everyone on the list with a job requiring a business card.

Finally, use a K-Street lobbyist to buy a law requiring all congressman to wear bodycams. If Barney Fife has to wear one while writing tickets and kicking dogs, the individuals with the authority to approve a thermonuclear war should wear one too. As an added bonus, we can live vicariously through their lives of free dinners, booze, drugs and attractive interns.

If you, gentle reader, don’t waste a great deal of time reading Internet postings, rest assured all the conspiracies explored here are 100 percent real and active. Use the Google machine and type in “shape-shifting lizards that rule the world.”

Please wrap duct tape around your skull, as your head may explode.