What — perhaps — really happened to our Prioleau
Editor’s note: After a few days of not hearing from our master of satire, Prioleau Alexander, we became concerned and staff member to his last known place of residence. We found his place ransacked — drawers pulled out, furniture overturned — it was obvious something serious had happened. There were odd maps and charts taped to the walls, and among the thousands of papers strewn about, we found this, dated recently. We are not sure if he wrote it or if someone signed his name to it. It just isn’t like our Marine. We have neither seen nor heard from Prioleau since.
(allegedly) By Prioleau Alexander
I have made my decision: I can no longer live in nation that’s sprinting towards disaster faster than a Clinton Foundation whistleblower. Yes, it pains me to say it, but I am renouncing my United States citizenship, and will soon be closing on a tract of land in Berkeley County to form the nation of OldSouthistan.
Yes, I know — you’re already calling your realtor to see if there are homesites available, so let me tell you in advance. There aren’t. You see, selling homesites means I might have to actually listen to your thoughts about how my new nation is run, and — please, spare me.
State-owned homes will be available on a year-to-year lease, based on the South’s heritage of sharecropping, bestowed upon us by the Yankees when they destroyed our economy during reconstruction. If, after a year, I judge you to be a quality citizen by making my life easier and more fun-filled, your lease will be renewed for another year. Qualifying for a lease renewal isn’t hard to understand; you must meet the following requirements:
1) Be obsequious in all interactions with me, the Director General.
2) Obey the laws.
Here are few laws currently implemented:
— Every resident will be required to own a literal weapon of war, designed only for killing humans. Ownership of “an AR-style assault weapon of war that should only be carried by trained soldiers” is mandatory, while optional firearms include LAAW rockets, M2 50-cal machine guns, M1A1 Abrams Main Battle tanks, A-10 Warthog anti-tank aircraft, Apache attack helicopters, and Claymore mines. Note: If you own one of these, you are entitled to a 15 percent reduction in your security deposit
— Border crossings by anyone with the last name Sherman or Grant is forever prohibited, and on-site residency will be available only to individuals with a birth certificate indicating they were brought into the world inside the confines of the lands known as Dixie. They can bring a letter that explains that their parents were held against their will by corporate interests that make them bear children in Yankeeland; I’ll give it consideration, but don’t get cocky.
— Anyone using the stupid phrase “no seersucker after Labor Day” will be temporarily banished until after the daily average temperature falls below 90 degrees — usually sometime in November.
— Vehicles that look really cool or go really fast are subject to temporary seizure for the good of the people … because having a happy Director General is good for the people.
All exterior properties and lawns will be maintained in a strict, aesthetically pleasing manner, except for the Director General’s, which may have: 1) One car on cinderblocks. 2) Three lawn mowers in varies states of broken. 3) Twelve rotting old truck tires with wasp nests in them. 4) 30 lawn gnomes. 5) A mattress hanging from a live oak. 6) A 40-foot statue honoring the boys who fought for the Stars and Bars. 7) A Bayliner so old the tires are flat, and weeds are growing from the transom. 8) A pit bull on a chain. 9) A cow.
Hate speech will be — like the rules of Charleston’s Board of Architectural Review — based on the arbitrary whims of the Director General. Thus far, the three established phrases considered a crime include: “Hot enough for you?” “Working hard or hardly working?” and “Roll Tide.” The uttering of such verbal dysentery will result in the loss of eight social credit points.
As I don’t want OldSouthistan to be entirely unfamiliar to ex-patriated Americans fortunate enough to live there, I will: 1) Openly spy on you, listen to your phone calls, and imprison you if you speak ill of my political agenda. 2) From time to time, lock you in your home for no reason, to ensure you will comply with all my orders. 3) Settle all minor infractions of national laws by deploying SWAT teams at dawn. 4) Censor all internet searches for unapproved topics, like, “Is the Director General violating my human rights?”
There will, of course, be a number of laws that apply to food and beverage facilities within OldSouthistan: 1) Bite-sized portions with fancy swirls of stupid sauces are verboten. 2) Food that requires you to speak in a foreign accent will not be allowed. 3) All carbonated non-alcoholic beverages will be referred to as “a Coke.” 4) The food that has become known as “grits” will be referred to its proper Southern name, which is hominy or hominy grits. 5) The fish that has become known as “Mahi-Mahi” will be referred to its proper Southern name, which is dolphin or dorado, if you are from East Africa. 6) All restaurants will develop a wine list, then remove everything but the second cheapest one.
Each October will be deemed Auburn Pride Month, where all residents will be immersed in how awesome it is to be an Auburn Tiger. Everyone will watch every Auburn game, and approve of their performance, no matter how absurd. Only Auburn University gear may be worn in public, and those failing to do so will be considered War-Eaglephobic and cast from the nation. Conversations in public establishments must validate Auburns recruiting class for the following year, the head coach’s expertise, and what rednecks Bammer fans are. On every occasion when a resident does something stupid, they will follow it by stating, “Roll Tide.”
National Holidays are as follows:
January 19: Robert E. Lee’s birthday; we take off an entire week, which comes at peak duck season so load up, boys.
February 28th: This is the 59th day of the year and recognizes the year 1959 when the development of the AR-15 began. The day is celebrated by residents firing their weapons of war randomly in the air while lurching about, drinking cheap American beer (excluding Bud Light).
October 20th: A National Day of Mourning and revelry, recognizing “the crash” and the death of the great Ronnie Van Zandt and his bandmates Steve and Cathy Gaines.
June 28th: Carolina Day; if you don’t know about this by now, there is no hope, so march north.
November 10th: If you do not know the reason for this holiday, you need not apply for a green card.
November 30th: This entails one second of fasting (12:00:00 to 12:00:01), in thanksgiving for Auburn’s “Kick Six” victory over Alabama.
December 2nd: This date recognizes the birth of His Excellency, the Director General’s birthday. Statues require residents and visitors to bring tribute in the form of Alcohol, Tobacco, or Firearms.
December 20th: In honor of the Charleston Mercury’s publication of the famed headline, “The Union is Dissolved!”
Pondering the concept of a constitution, the system implemented by America’s founding fathers is hard to beat. At least it was, for the first five minutes, before politicians and lawyers began mixing in their special smoothie of stupidity and rules of order. As a result, government will be limited to the executive branch and a supreme court, both run by me.
Residents will be allowed to address their grievances to me, but it is recommended they do so only when they have a re-location home lined up in the U.S.
Addressing smaller issues, the currency of OldSouthistan will be 5.56 rounds, equal to 50 U.S. cents. Upon crossing the border, visitors will need to convert no less than $500 in U.S. currency, regardless of how short their stay. The flag will be similar to the Bonny Blue flag, but the single star will be replaced with an image of my dog, Remmy. Permission to immigrate will require a language test, defining such phrases as “y’all d’ave.”
OldSouthistan will be a libertarian paradise, where freedom is paramount, save for things I don’t like … and there are a number of things I don’t like: The currently fashionable men’s suits that are two-sizes too small. Form fitting clothes on people whose form does not need to be fitted and on display. Cat people. Crying babies. Breath that’s not minty fresh. Objects stuck through one’s nose or face or neck tattoos. Unarmed men. Umbrella drinks. Mouthy liberals.
Various misdemeanor penalties will be accessed for things like these, with more to come.
As a sovereign nation, Chuckistan may not be recognized by Berkeley County, S.C., or the U.S., ergo things could get messy when residents no longer file their taxes with said entities. As a result, all men and women over the age of nine will serve a period of Life in the national militia.
Individuals wishing to apply for a Green Card may contact me at TypingForBeerMoney@gmail.com.