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Five stars for the Fourth of July

Our maven of flag wavin’, Prioleau Alexander, offers a laugh that flies full-staff

July is the month of Independence Day, that glorious moment when we celebrate the launch of the greatest nation in history.

We’ve invented everything worth inventing. We’re the birthplace of rock and roll, blue jeans and the 1964 Corvette Stingray. We lead the world in civil rights. Our citizens own over 250 million guns and a trillion rounds of ammo. We rule the seven seas.

When our professional sports teams compete, they aren’t battling for some stupid national championship — they’re in it for the world championship. We spend more on beef jerky and beer than Europe spends on defense. We not only invented the nuke; we used it. John Wayne, Chuck Norris and Clint Eastwood all hail from our fruited plains.

We’re so self-sufficient that we chose as our ally the only country in the Middle East that doesn’t have oil. We wrote a check for Alaska and stole Texas and California at the end of a gun barrel. We’re home to the SEALs, Rangers, Special Forces, Delta Force, Marines and 11 aircraft carrier strike groups. We chew nails, spit rivets and comb our hair with chainsaws.

We. Are. America.

While reflecting on the greatness of the Bald Eagle, Old Glory and the Colt .45 pistol, I ran across a piece on the Huffington Post entitled Ways America Is the Best (at Being the Worst).

After flying to New York and punching the writer in the face, I decided to read the article. Here’s some of its brilliance:

We’re the only first-world country not to mandate paid leave of mothers with newborns. Uh, that might be because it takes a lot of hands to run the freaking world? American women aren’t delicate little flowers that need to “take to their bed” after childbirth — they have the baby, slap ‘em in a papoose and get back to building skyscrapers. Hell, we carved this nation out of complete wilderness … four score and 20 years ago, we had moms fighting off grizzly bears during childbirth. Paid leave? Pfffft.

We don’t guarantee workers paid sick days. Sure, in Europe getting a tickle in your throat might result in a month on the couch, but Americans are a bit busy driving the global economy, keeping the world free from tyranny and watching movies like “John Wick.” We’re hearty! Strong! Healthy! Maybe if the Europeans bathed more than once a week, they’d stay heathy, too.

We spend more money on the military than the combined nations of China, Russia, UK and Japan. It’s money well spent, too. You ever seen an M1A1 Abrams Main Battle Tank fire a sabot round? An A-10 Warthog on a strafing run? Fired a weapon comprised of a 40mm grenade launcher and an M-Deuce .50 Caliber machine gun? Seen the shock and awe of naval gunfire auguring into a target? Well, I have — and it is worth every stinking dime. Keeping commies in their place costs a lot of duckets, Toots.

No other country has nearly as many guns. No other country has landed on the moon, cured polio, invented the Internet, photographed a black hole, created the automobile assembly line, or produced anything as delicious as a Chick-fil-A sammich. We’re different and bigger, better, faster than everyone else. We own guns just in case someone’s stupid enough to try and harm those we love — and that includes not just thugs, punks and crackheads, but those snake-skinned giblets up in Washington. If you want us to give them up, HuffPo, come take them.

Americans consume the most sweeteners than any other country. That’s what keeps us so sweet. And if you want someone to testify to our sweetness, just ask the British, Spanish, Barbary pirates, Mexicans, Japanese, Germans, Italians, North Koreans, Chinese, Vietnamese, Libyans, Panamanians, Somalis, Bosnians and a guy named Osama Bin Laden.

More babies die the day they are born than in any other industrialized country. Nice try, HuffPo. That’s because, like usual, America demands excellence in everything, so any baby born is considered viable. No matter how premature. Or drug addicted. Or alcohol injured. Guess who doesn’t count those in their numbers?

We’re the best at creating the super-rich at the expense of everyone else. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be capitalism? Creativity? Tenacity? Vision? And consider what the average poor person in America has: Housing, clean water, ample food, a car, a TV, a cell phone, public transportation and decent clothing. Consider what the average poor person in Russia has: A turnip.

Health care is the most expensive in the industrial world. That’s a good point. You know what’s another good point? The Sultan of Brunei doesn’t fly to Switzerland, France or England when he needs by-pass surgery. Newsflash: You don’t get a Lear jet for the price of a Kia. And we don’t turn off your dialysis when you turn 60. And we sure as hell don’t linger in lethal limbo waiting 180 days to get a CAT scan.

I ask you this, Gentle Reader: How awesome do you have to be to get people to lend you $22 trillion dollars when they know to a moral certainty we have no intention of ever paying it back? That, my friend, is gravitas. When Don Corleone asks you if you can loan him a few bucks ‘til payday, what do you do? You find a cash machine, that’s what. Now multiply that by a few dozen B-1 bombers, F-16s and nuclear missile silos and you get Uncle Sam asking for a few duckets.

America is a nation of individual heroes, all striving to be the best. The rest of the world is comprised of drones, sitting in a committee meeting and trying to avoid extra work. We are cowboys, hell bent for leather. They are equestrians, riding side saddle in a dressage event. We are fighter pilots, dropping bombs and engaging in aerial dogfights. They are stewardesses, fetching champagne for the Americans in first class. We are heavyweights, fighting for the title. They are cornermen, mopping the champ’s brow and encouraging him to get back into the fight. We are professional rodeo riders and they are ticket-takers at a petting zoo.

Think of it! What haven’t we done?

We invented flight, the cell phone, the machine gun, the submarine, the trans-oceanic cable system, the Panama Canal, barbecue, the Mustang, baseball, football, basketball, sweet tea, the jumbo jet, the PC, the weed whacker, Post-it notes, microwave popcorn, Predator drones, WiFi, the Cyclotron atom smasher, air-conditioning and Disney freakin’ World.

And what have our “industrialized nation” peers accomplished? In France, they invented the baguette. The Brits can claim fish and chips. Italians get pizza. The Chinese invented General Tso’s chicken. And Russians dreamed up borscht.

Comparing us to them is like comparing a state dinner at the White House to an Olive Garden’s all-you-can-eat salad and breadsticks.

Yes, this Independence Day there will be weenies aplenty, talking down our blessed land and whining about the trivial shortcomings. Maybe a few will burn flags. Some will protest. We did this wrong. We did that wrong. We were meanies. We were poopy-heads.


You and I must counter-protest these louts and lay-abouts. We need to remind them why these United States of America answer to no one, save God. So, drink beer, stuff yourself into a food coma and blow a finger off with a cherry bomb. Get a tattoo of Old Glory or an Hawaiian hula girl. And raise a glass in honor of our freedom and the men who died to give us that gift!

This Independence Day, together we say to Russia, China, Mexico, Iran, North Korea, EU and Bernie’s growing list of socialist punks: Here’s to the American eagle! The higher she flies the louder she screams — and if you wanna mess with the eagle, you better learn how to fly!

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